Prenatal Class 2: Shoving Things Into a Pregnant Lady

 

Back in my public school days I would remember how we as kids felt about Sex Ed when we were learning about contraceptives.  It was awkward, uncomfortable and embarrassing, but all the kids would hide their discomfort by playing it cool and laughing things off.  Most of us would just joke around and not pay too much attention.

Well according to stats can, in 2005 from ages 15-19 the rate of pregnancy was 29.2 per 1000 women.

That’s actually quite high, and I suppose kids should’ve paid more attention.  Or maybe they should’ve been provide with a stronger deterent.  I mean one-third is nothing to laugh at.

 

hmmmm….

 

I think I might have a solution to drastically reduce that number.

How about we…

TAKE THEM TO A FLIPPING PRENATAL CLASS!!!

Forget the science centre or the zoo, they should load up the kids tricking them into thinking they going on a field trip and just drop them off at the hospital for a prenatal class.  Better yet, just let them roam the maternity ward and watch a live birth.

The things you see at these classes you cannot unsee. 

Now I understand as a father I will see all the goods when my wife eventually delivers but man, the instructional videos and information they provide about vacuums, forceps, vaginal slicing procedures go beyond one’s capacity.

I’m all for knowledge is power, but truthfully, ignorance is a bliss.

To be fair, we did pick up on useful tips, such as when do we know we should go to the hospital (five minute interval contractions that are one minute long), or which areas f the body to massage whe she’s in labour.  But that’s what Google is for.  And at least Google gives the option of only showing safe-search on images.

At one point the instructor was showing us the hook that punctures the bag of water.  She even joked, “for you ladies that crochet, it is actually quite similar to the hook that the doctor would use.”

Great.  Just great.

Not only did this class ruin conceiving, it’s ruined crocheting.  I will never look at a crochet hook the same way!  It’s purpose is no longer to make awesome knitted dolls, it’s now used to poke into my wife’s you-know-what to open the flood gates of Ewww.

Well, that's ruined.
Well, that’s ruined.

 

And to my wife’s credit she tried her best to tough through the class.  I mean it must suck to know in advance what the possible scenarios are.  Like I said, not knowing might be better.

It’s almost like sitting down at a restaurant only to be told by the waiter that you’ll get explosive D after this meal, and you don’t have the option of not eating the food.

At least if you don’t know you’ll get food poisoning, you’ll unknowingly enjoy your meal, only to find out later on.

Suffice to say, my advice would to be to steer clear of the prenatal classes, especially if your wife is already stressed about the process.  But we still have two more to go.  So we’ll see what terror next week brings.

In any case, if there was a saving grace to this class, it would really be the fact that we were able to tour the maternity ward and hear the sounds of babies.  To think that in roughly three months we’ll be in that environment with our own baby is quite…special.

Maybe it was a good thing we got the sex ed we got, cause at the end of the day, despite all the scary details about the birthing process, it should be worth it.

Prenatal Class 1: Piledrive That Baby

What is one sure-fire way to freak out a pregnant woman?

Put a bunch of pregnant women in a room and have them watch videos on how painful and excruciating labour is going to be.  Adding to the freaking out would be to have the already freaked out pregnant ladies witness the looks of shock and incompetence on their husbands faces (present company included.)

Yeah that sounds about right.

Yes, as a commitment to becoming awesome parents and more importantly getting my Dad Mode On, we’ve agreed to participate in four, three hour prenatal sessions for the next month to prepare for the decisive moment.

With the intention of educating new moms and dads, they are really going about it wrong with this class.  Near the end of the first class, my wife was already feeling nausea from the discussion topics and discomfort from sitting on plastic chairs.  This was more like a “Scared Straight” session for soon-to-be parents.  But instead of having hardened criminals lecture troubled teens, we have seasoned and hysterical new-moms sharing their birthing experiences.

To be fair, I did learn quite from this first session and so did my wife.

For instance, I had committed to memory the ideal baby position your baby needs to take inside of the womb in preparation for labour.  The way for me to remember it is to think Haggar from Final Fight pile-driving the crap out of someone.   Replace someone with baby and there you will see the ideal baby birthing position.

piledriver
Seriously this is the ideal birthing position

This piledriving position is actually the ideal position to reduce back pain on the mom, which is kind of cool if you ask me.

I also learned an assortment of massage positions and stances to take shape in.  My favourite one is called the “Slow Dance” where the birth partner is basically petting the backside like a junior high kid trying to get to first base.

I suppose the main purpose is to get your wife as comfortable as possible, but as I said to my wife after the session, the husband can basically be replaced by a door-frame and still service the same purpose.

Fine to be fair we do wish to be helpful in massaging different areas, but we would only become useful is we Sharpie’d the body parts to push or massage.

I kid you not we just might sharpie in my wife’s hip bones so that I can push upwards to provide back support.

With session 1 out of the way, I guess it can only get better right?