Prenatal Class 1: Piledrive That Baby

What is one sure-fire way to freak out a pregnant woman?

Put a bunch of pregnant women in a room and have them watch videos on how painful and excruciating labour is going to be.  Adding to the freaking out would be to have the already freaked out pregnant ladies witness the looks of shock and incompetence on their husbands faces (present company included.)

Yeah that sounds about right.

Yes, as a commitment to becoming awesome parents and more importantly getting my Dad Mode On, we’ve agreed to participate in four, three hour prenatal sessions for the next month to prepare for the decisive moment.

With the intention of educating new moms and dads, they are really going about it wrong with this class.  Near the end of the first class, my wife was already feeling nausea from the discussion topics and discomfort from sitting on plastic chairs.  This was more like a “Scared Straight” session for soon-to-be parents.  But instead of having hardened criminals lecture troubled teens, we have seasoned and hysterical new-moms sharing their birthing experiences.

To be fair, I did learn quite from this first session and so did my wife.

For instance, I had committed to memory the ideal baby position your baby needs to take inside of the womb in preparation for labour.  The way for me to remember it is to think Haggar from Final Fight pile-driving the crap out of someone.   Replace someone with baby and there you will see the ideal baby birthing position.

piledriver
Seriously this is the ideal birthing position

This piledriving position is actually the ideal position to reduce back pain on the mom, which is kind of cool if you ask me.

I also learned an assortment of massage positions and stances to take shape in.  My favourite one is called the “Slow Dance” where the birth partner is basically petting the backside like a junior high kid trying to get to first base.

I suppose the main purpose is to get your wife as comfortable as possible, but as I said to my wife after the session, the husband can basically be replaced by a door-frame and still service the same purpose.

Fine to be fair we do wish to be helpful in massaging different areas, but we would only become useful is we Sharpie’d the body parts to push or massage.

I kid you not we just might sharpie in my wife’s hip bones so that I can push upwards to provide back support.

With session 1 out of the way, I guess it can only get better right?

You’re Not a Boy!

“Yep, it’s a girl” – Ultrasound Technician

 

My jaw dropped like a Bugs Bunny cartoon character and your mom welled up instantly.

 

What went on in my mind in real-time

“That’s crazy!” – *This girl is going to be grounded until she’s 20.*

“Wow!” – *She’ll start dating when she turns 30*

“This is totally unexpected, what a surprise!” – *Background checks, family history checks, criminal record check, and credit check any boy she talks to will need to do these things first.*

What went on in your mother’s mind in real-time

“OMG, no way!” – *We have to go to the mall today to buy cute girl clothes!*

This was totally unexpected.

Kid, if and when you read this in the future, just know this:

Your mother and I love how you’ve grown up to be a wonderful daughter…despite the fact that we were sure you were going to be a boy. 

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Seriously, what a curve ball that got thrown at us.  (I guess those were the only balls thrown…heh)

Our entire mindset up until this point has been set up to anticipate you being a boy.  I even had a conversation about getting you circumcised!

Ever since the third month and on, we were certain the signs pointed to you being a boy.  I mean you went against the Chinese Lunar Predictor!  That thing is supposed to be 95% accurate and you proved it wrong!  Take that Traditional Chinese Predictor, you stink just like your medicine!

You’ve also been a very active baby according to your mother, and we thought only a boy could be this active.  (As a matter of fact, while I am writing this, you are kicking inside of your mom right after she turned to her left side.)

But according to other signs, you told us you were going to be a girl all along.  For starters your mom’s belly shape is fairly round near the sides, which usually means a girl.  Along with that, she developed quite a sweet tooth, and this according to Chinese tradition means two things, a) you’re a girl and b) you’ll probably be diabetic.  (This does run in the family :|). You’ve also caused mom to break out a little as well another sign of a daughter.  She still looks great, but you’ve been really giving her a hard time.

One thing I’ve learned is, through all of these predictors, at the end of the day it’s basically a 50% guess so it’s really not that hard to get right or wrong.  But know this, at this very moment I’m 100% glad that you are who you are and we feel incredibly lucky to have you in our lives.

Boy or girl, to quote Mariah:  “You’ll always be my baby.”

 

 

Getting Punch and Kicked In The Face Has Never Felt So Good

I’m learning that the pregnancy process is like an elaborate project plan. As the soon-to-be Dad I am the Project Lead, and my Wife of course is the unpaid intern doing all of the heavy lifting for the project.

And like any successful project you need to have check-in points or milestones to ensure everyone is clear of the goal.

A milestone is defined as:

…a task of zero duration that shows an important achievement in a projectMilestones are a way of knowing how the project is advancing if you are not familiar with the tasks being executed. They have zero duration because they symbolize an achievement, a point of time in a project.

Is there any better milestone than getting kicked in the face by your child?

The first time I put my ear to my wife’s belly and felt the kick was magnificent. Though my wife is doing all the work for this “project”, physically feeling that kick basically validated everything that has gone on.

I’ve never felt pride, excitement, joy, and happiness all in one punch to the face before, and it’s something that I will always remember and cherish.

So 15 years from now when this boy/girl slams their door at me during a major and heated argument, I’ll simply think back to these days when things were magical…and proceed to sign the ungrateful brat up for adoption.