Prenatal Class 1: Piledrive That Baby

What is one sure-fire way to freak out a pregnant woman?

Put a bunch of pregnant women in a room and have them watch videos on how painful and excruciating labour is going to be.  Adding to the freaking out would be to have the already freaked out pregnant ladies witness the looks of shock and incompetence on their husbands faces (present company included.)

Yeah that sounds about right.

Yes, as a commitment to becoming awesome parents and more importantly getting my Dad Mode On, we’ve agreed to participate in four, three hour prenatal sessions for the next month to prepare for the decisive moment.

With the intention of educating new moms and dads, they are really going about it wrong with this class.  Near the end of the first class, my wife was already feeling nausea from the discussion topics and discomfort from sitting on plastic chairs.  This was more like a “Scared Straight” session for soon-to-be parents.  But instead of having hardened criminals lecture troubled teens, we have seasoned and hysterical new-moms sharing their birthing experiences.

To be fair, I did learn quite from this first session and so did my wife.

For instance, I had committed to memory the ideal baby position your baby needs to take inside of the womb in preparation for labour.  The way for me to remember it is to think Haggar from Final Fight pile-driving the crap out of someone.   Replace someone with baby and there you will see the ideal baby birthing position.

piledriver
Seriously this is the ideal birthing position

This piledriving position is actually the ideal position to reduce back pain on the mom, which is kind of cool if you ask me.

I also learned an assortment of massage positions and stances to take shape in.  My favourite one is called the “Slow Dance” where the birth partner is basically petting the backside like a junior high kid trying to get to first base.

I suppose the main purpose is to get your wife as comfortable as possible, but as I said to my wife after the session, the husband can basically be replaced by a door-frame and still service the same purpose.

Fine to be fair we do wish to be helpful in massaging different areas, but we would only become useful is we Sharpie’d the body parts to push or massage.

I kid you not we just might sharpie in my wife’s hip bones so that I can push upwards to provide back support.

With session 1 out of the way, I guess it can only get better right?