Prenatal Class 2: Shoving Things Into a Pregnant Lady

 

Back in my public school days I would remember how we as kids felt about Sex Ed when we were learning about contraceptives.  It was awkward, uncomfortable and embarrassing, but all the kids would hide their discomfort by playing it cool and laughing things off.  Most of us would just joke around and not pay too much attention.

Well according to stats can, in 2005 from ages 15-19 the rate of pregnancy was 29.2 per 1000 women.

That’s actually quite high, and I suppose kids should’ve paid more attention.  Or maybe they should’ve been provide with a stronger deterent.  I mean one-third is nothing to laugh at.

 

hmmmm….

 

I think I might have a solution to drastically reduce that number.

How about we…

TAKE THEM TO A FLIPPING PRENATAL CLASS!!!

Forget the science centre or the zoo, they should load up the kids tricking them into thinking they going on a field trip and just drop them off at the hospital for a prenatal class.  Better yet, just let them roam the maternity ward and watch a live birth.

The things you see at these classes you cannot unsee. 

Now I understand as a father I will see all the goods when my wife eventually delivers but man, the instructional videos and information they provide about vacuums, forceps, vaginal slicing procedures go beyond one’s capacity.

I’m all for knowledge is power, but truthfully, ignorance is a bliss.

To be fair, we did pick up on useful tips, such as when do we know we should go to the hospital (five minute interval contractions that are one minute long), or which areas f the body to massage whe she’s in labour.  But that’s what Google is for.  And at least Google gives the option of only showing safe-search on images.

At one point the instructor was showing us the hook that punctures the bag of water.  She even joked, “for you ladies that crochet, it is actually quite similar to the hook that the doctor would use.”

Great.  Just great.

Not only did this class ruin conceiving, it’s ruined crocheting.  I will never look at a crochet hook the same way!  It’s purpose is no longer to make awesome knitted dolls, it’s now used to poke into my wife’s you-know-what to open the flood gates of Ewww.

Well, that's ruined.
Well, that’s ruined.

 

And to my wife’s credit she tried her best to tough through the class.  I mean it must suck to know in advance what the possible scenarios are.  Like I said, not knowing might be better.

It’s almost like sitting down at a restaurant only to be told by the waiter that you’ll get explosive D after this meal, and you don’t have the option of not eating the food.

At least if you don’t know you’ll get food poisoning, you’ll unknowingly enjoy your meal, only to find out later on.

Suffice to say, my advice would to be to steer clear of the prenatal classes, especially if your wife is already stressed about the process.  But we still have two more to go.  So we’ll see what terror next week brings.

In any case, if there was a saving grace to this class, it would really be the fact that we were able to tour the maternity ward and hear the sounds of babies.  To think that in roughly three months we’ll be in that environment with our own baby is quite…special.

Maybe it was a good thing we got the sex ed we got, cause at the end of the day, despite all the scary details about the birthing process, it should be worth it.

G.D.F.R. When Your Parents Make It Real

 

One of the greatest titles in the world is parent, and one of the biggest blessings in the world is to have parents to call mom and dad.

– Jim DeMint

 

So far the journey towards becoming a parent has been sort of like a dream. We’ve experience many highs and certainly some lows.

But this adventure has been fantastic and almost dream-like in the sense that I’ve been witnessing things slowly unfold into something that is real.  I’m not just talking about strollers or cribs, but rather the variety of things and moments that make me feel like I’m becoming a dad.

Well today after having a conversation with my parents, the prospect of me being a dad became very real.

Don’t get me wrong, the past six months of preparing have made me understand what’s to come.  But when I actually put into words the ideals of what I will do for our daughter to my mom and dad, things felt very real, very real.

It was a simple discussion with my parents on how I will be teaching our daughter how to speak Chinese and the following G.D.F.R. revelation popped into my head:

“Holy sh*t, I’m actually talking to my parents about being a parent to my kid, that’s so crazy!…But wait a second…I’m still their kid!”

It may seem like nothing, but when you actually talk to your folks about parenting stuff you’ve officially removed the last set of training wheels.

momdadmeAnd almost immediately it made me wonder what they must be going through at this point.  As this is their first foray into becoming grandparents, I kind of wonder how that feels for them. Do they live vicariously through me now? Do they now officially close up the parenting shop knowing that they’ve successfully completed their task of raising a person who is now going to open up his own shop?

I wonder if they had a G.D.F.R. revelation too thinking:

“Holy sh*t, We’re actually talking to our kid about being a parent to their kid, that’s so crazy!…But wait a second…He’s still our kid!”

Wow it’s like parenting-inception.  It’s almost like a parent snake eating it’s kids tail while the kid snakes is eating…wait that actually doesn’t make any sense.

So from what has been a dream so far, I am now thrusted into the reality of becoming an actual parent, thanks to what I thought was an innocent conversation with my folks.

My parent’s are kind of really good at doing their job.

How so?  Well, even after 30 years of raising me and pointing me to right direction, my parents continue to teach and show me what it takes to be a parent to a kid so that I can one day parent-inception my kid back when they have this similar conversation.

That is totally like a parent snake eating the tail of their kid snake….nevermind.

 

My parents are cool!

Inception-PARENTING

Prenatal Class 1: Piledrive That Baby

What is one sure-fire way to freak out a pregnant woman?

Put a bunch of pregnant women in a room and have them watch videos on how painful and excruciating labour is going to be.  Adding to the freaking out would be to have the already freaked out pregnant ladies witness the looks of shock and incompetence on their husbands faces (present company included.)

Yeah that sounds about right.

Yes, as a commitment to becoming awesome parents and more importantly getting my Dad Mode On, we’ve agreed to participate in four, three hour prenatal sessions for the next month to prepare for the decisive moment.

With the intention of educating new moms and dads, they are really going about it wrong with this class.  Near the end of the first class, my wife was already feeling nausea from the discussion topics and discomfort from sitting on plastic chairs.  This was more like a “Scared Straight” session for soon-to-be parents.  But instead of having hardened criminals lecture troubled teens, we have seasoned and hysterical new-moms sharing their birthing experiences.

To be fair, I did learn quite from this first session and so did my wife.

For instance, I had committed to memory the ideal baby position your baby needs to take inside of the womb in preparation for labour.  The way for me to remember it is to think Haggar from Final Fight pile-driving the crap out of someone.   Replace someone with baby and there you will see the ideal baby birthing position.

piledriver
Seriously this is the ideal birthing position

This piledriving position is actually the ideal position to reduce back pain on the mom, which is kind of cool if you ask me.

I also learned an assortment of massage positions and stances to take shape in.  My favourite one is called the “Slow Dance” where the birth partner is basically petting the backside like a junior high kid trying to get to first base.

I suppose the main purpose is to get your wife as comfortable as possible, but as I said to my wife after the session, the husband can basically be replaced by a door-frame and still service the same purpose.

Fine to be fair we do wish to be helpful in massaging different areas, but we would only become useful is we Sharpie’d the body parts to push or massage.

I kid you not we just might sharpie in my wife’s hip bones so that I can push upwards to provide back support.

With session 1 out of the way, I guess it can only get better right?