Food Swings

A wise man once said, “A smart man does not succumb to their wife’s cravings, or he will have nothing left.”

That wise man is likely dead.

In a ditch.

I don’t want to be smart, I’ll just be the stupid husband, thank you.

After moving out and living with my wife, I’ve learned a thing or two about women and how they function.  For example, I’ve learned that the answers to all questions are always “Yes.” Unless she asks a question longer than 30 seconds the answer changes a little to:

*Pause*; *Intelligence Face*; *Look at her*; “Hmm…that’s true, yes.”

Needless to say I’ve got everything figured out.  I’m even pretty good at playing the emotional minesweeper game known as mood swings.  When I sense an emotional mine in the vicinity, I put a flag down and make sure I don’t step there.

That mine was the I'll take out the trash after the game mine. Should've used the flags.
That mine was the I’ll take out the trash after the game mine.
Should’ve used the flags.

“So you rather play Call of Duty for the third straight night, than sleep early with me?”
*Drops flag*
“Of course not, I love sleeping with you early.”

Or

“Wait, what do you mean we should just stay in instead of having a dinner downtown?
*Drops 2 flags*
“I was just kidding, I just wanted to surprise you!”

 

Really, I thought I had things handled quite well and I’ve been able to handle these situations like a champ, until this pregnant business comes swooping in.

The mood swings my wife has been experiencing has melded with a lack of appetite and transformed it self into something more…let’s call it Food Swings.  And man, these Food Swings are on another level.

How so? I noticed two types of conversation that we have now when it surrounds the subject of food.

Scenario 1: “13 year old Emo Teen Non-Cravings”

Me – “Hun, what do you want to eat tonight?
Wife – “I don’t know…:
Me – “Fish?”
Wife – “No…”
Me – “Chicken?”
Wife – “No…”
Me – “How about I make you congee?”
Wife – “No…”
Me – “I can bake potatoes, do you want that?”
Wife – “Stop asking, I don’t #%&* know, okay…arrrrgghhh!”

You would think that a person who is carrying an extra person inside would want to eat more.  But I learned that though her intentions are to eat, it’s the wacky hormones that are throwing off her inner foodie.  And thus, it’s up to me to step up my game and find her anything that might interest her appetite.

Scenario 2: “B*tch Better Feed My Tummy Cravings”

 Morning

Me –“Okay Hun, we have string beans in our fridge and some pork, we should stay in tonight.
Wife – “Yeah, that’s a good point…I don’t mind staying at home!”
Me – “Alright I’ll marinate everything!”
Wife – “Sounds good! :)”

Afternoon

Me – “Alright, are we still good for eating at home tonight?”
Wife – “Oh, I just saw a picture of Kimchi Fried Rice…OMG babe I want that now!”
Me – “But we have stuff at home…”
Wife – “OMG…I hate you. I’m gonna shoot you.  You’re dead to me.”

These are actually kind of fun, cause you do not know what triggers these cravings.  So far I learned that with a wife who is constantly on Instagram following food accounts, there’s pretty much no point of even buying groceries.  I’m better off spending that money on gas to go to these restaurants.

No matter how suave I used to be with massaging the mood swings.  These Food Swings are the real deal and she is not messing around.